In Praise of Whites
I bought myself a pair of whites
The year was '87
They shone resplendent, clean and bright
I thought I'd gone to Heaven.
I thought "let's see how tough these are"
I played a game of soccer
Oh God the mess, I could've wept
I flung them in my locker.
A week went by, I couldn't sleep
I even phoned my mother
"My boy" she said "just trust your whites,
They're sturdy like no other."
I listened to her sage advice
My doubts I had to squash
I took them to the laundromat
Committed to 'The Wash'.
I watched the minutes ticking by
My heart was all aflutter
First wash, then rinse, then spin, Oh God.
My knees had turned to butter.
I wrung my hands, I looked on high
"Oh Lord, I may erred!"
The wash attendant hung her head
For clearly she concurred.
At last the fateful moment came
I lifted up the lid
Oh yippee yippee yippee yay!
I chortled like a kid.
My whites were spotless, gleaming white
As pure as winter snow
"Oh Lord!" I cried, "a miracle!"
My face was all aglow.
So brothers dear, revere your whites
My words you mustn't mock
And should you yearn for extra grace
Just wear them round the clock.
And when 'tis time to leave this world
And no one can arouse ya
Ensure your mortal frame is clad
In-yes-your laundered trousa.
Yes, when the soul has fled the cage
Winged upward to the light
Make sure you're scrubbed up, buffed and clean
Angelic all in white.
And when the good Lord finds the time
To have a tête-à-tête
Be sure you're free of curry stains
For God's sake don't forget!